How your home created a mindset of disordered eating.

Have thoughts like "I have to lose xx amount of weight before the new year/ Christmas/ my birthday!" ever come across your mind? Where do you think that stemmed from?

Personally, it's holidays and occasions like these that create toxic ideas for me. Every single family gatherings I'd dread comments about my body that I did not ask for. Opinions and criticism that I did not need to hear. "You gained weight, have you been eating well?", "You would look prettier if you were skinnier", "She's thinner than you now!", "You have more meat on your legs now, they used to be too skinny"; comments like these would await me every season at every occasion, and you could never seem to please anyone no matter how you look. Receiving comments like these were one of the earliest memory I had of starting to be conscious of what and how much I eat. A bowl of rice used to just be a bowl of rice, nothing more, nothing less, but the older I get, the size of my meal, plates and cutleries seem to get smaller. Eating "too much" in the eyes of others would get myself unwanted comments that always seem to make me second guess my portion choices. 

I. LOVE. FOOD. Not gonna lie, this is an understatement. I love trying new food, trying new places, new recipes and new food combinations. But toxic diet culture had taught me to be afraid of carbs, fats, sugar, calories, "junk", "unhealthy" foods. What am I supposed to eat then?! Calorie counting, low carb, keto, intermittent fasting, sugar-free diets all contribute to the bad relationship we have with food. Food is merely just food, they won't bring you harm. If only the previously orthorexic me knew this, I wouldn't be so mentally exhausted and scared of food.

Honestly, you just need to cut off people that triggers your mental wellbeing. Food freedom is a thing and it's so liberating knowing that pizza and chocolate won't make you gain 5 kilos in a day. Everything in moderation is key and if you want that extra slice of cake, just freaking take it. It's really not that significant in the grand scheme of things. Once you let go, you'll realise there's more to life than being afraid of the things that can bring you immense joy.

Feeling like you're not doing enough.

Trust me, in one point of our lives, we're bound to feel this way. 

It could be due to comparison with others, being unhappy with where you are, the things you're doing don't give you a sense of purpose, or even past childhood experiences.

I've learnt that no one or no thing can help you feel enough or fulfilled unless you yourself make a point to do so. Everything is about mindset, and your own efforts of course. If you can't physically change or control your situation, then nothing you do will ever make you feel enough. If it's due to comparison with others that make you feel this way, is it because they're actually doing something you don't have the courage to do? Most of the time we compare ourselves to people that are already successful, but we don't see the tough path they took to get there.

Personally, most of the time I'm feeling this way is due to the fact that I know this is not where I'm supposed to be. But I tell myself that this is only temporary and every experience I get day by day is another step closer to get to where I want to be. You don't need to rush, time is all we have and life is the longest journey you will ever be on. 

Everyone is on their own journey, even if you don't know where yours lead to yet. Keep finding yourself, stay curious, try everything and don't stop till you found something that makes you feel the most alive. 

A journey to find myself.

Reviving my blog- Attempt #123456

I feel like I've had this dream of writing a blog ever since I was a kid but never had the courage or tenacity that lasted long enough to actually make me pursue it. Does anyone ever felt just plain average? Like, you have passion, interests, desires but never enough to fuel yourself to start something? Well, that's basically my entire life. My list of interests throughout my adolescent years include:

1. Photography (tumblr days were a huge contributor to this)

At one point I actually wanted to become a photographer and even persuaded my parents to get me a DSLR just so I could take pointless photos of flowers and blue skies.

2. Baking 

Yes, I know everyone can bake but I really loved baking. My bolder experiments include rainbow cupcakes, cream puffs, macarons, a huge birthday cake and other semi successful bakes.

3. Dancing

This, I'm not so sure of. I don't think I'm naturally talented but I've been dancing for school concerts since primary school so maybe the constant repetition of practices gave me a better foundation of dance skills than most. 

4. Content creation

I never knew this could be something you learn in uni and be paid for it at work. I love brainstorming ideas, carrying out creative work, designing and just anything that requires a sense of creativity. 

5. Writing

This one hits home for sure. When I was 13, I wrote pages and pages of stories similar to those pre-teen books you'd find in bookstores. I get so excited anytime we had to write creative essays at school. One of my proudest moment was when a teacher asked if she could read my essay to the class because it was the best! 

6. Fashion

I LOVE fashion. Not the act of buying an insane amount of clothing items but actually styling them. Watching rom-coms like Confessions of a shopaholic, The Devil wears Prada, and the whole fashion related content on youtube basically fuelled a mini stylist in me.

These are just some of the more specific interests I have but I basically have an interest in every section of the world, but none I could stick to because I know I'm just not good enough in any. I'm just an average girl probably with an identity crisis as I just have too many interests. I guess this trait of mine contributed to my quarter life crisis of not knowing what I want to do with my life. 

I guess this blog will help me compartmentalise my thoughts into words so I can finally start to understand myself.